This Is It

A parent of one of my clients passed away about a week ago. The family was sadly unprepared for any significant kind of recognition of a life gone by. It's not particularly important to me to have a big fancy celebration of my own passing, especially because I won't be able to attend. But, what is a life worth? I would like to request a service among the trees, a bonfire, some nice words from people I have loved. I would like there to be beer because it will help everyone relax, be sad together, and maybe sing a John Denver song about country roads and West Virginia. I would like someone to say that I was a good mom to my kids and a good wife even though I made lots of piles. I would like there to be beauty present in the midst of sorrow and for everyone to be grateful for being alive.

We

I haven't really dated that much

Expect your every need to be met, expect the answer to every problem, expect abundance on every level, expect to grow spiritually.

- Eileen Caddy

Second Street Birds, Digital Collage

I am grateful for all this snow. Winter is tough enough with all its cold and dreariness, but a big load of snow has always had the capacity to just plain-old make me feel better. The fallow fields that surround our home have surrendered their muddy brown coats in favor of a bright drapery of light. Our persistent gray sky has met its match, for now at least. The silhouettes of trees that perennially catch my eye are made that much more lovely, and clear.

On a morning when the sun breaks through, at first all I can see is the expanse of snow. There is largeness and weight to contend with, but that is not what I came here for.


The last few days I have begun to notice the birds more. The small ones for the most part, like our pair of cardinals, but there is also the arc of a red-tailed hawk as he makes his rounds. I never see him but understand that he is saying, pay attention.

This is what there is.

Every morning, I've got a new chance.

All over the map

age - n., v., aged, aging, or ageing. 1. the length of time during which a being or thing has existed; length of life or existence to the time spoken of or referred to. 2. the lifetime of an individual, or of the individuals of a class or species on an average. 3. a period of human life usually marked by a certain stage of physical or mental development, esp. a degree of development, measured by years from birth, which involved legal responsibility and capacity. 4. the particular period of life at which one becomes naturally or conventionally qualified or disqualified for anything.

A client told me this morning that there are only sixty days until spring. I love to say, when anyone complains about winter, "yes, but we're closer than we've ever been to spring, this year..." Every other year I have believed this myself as I've said it, but this year it is falling flat with insincerity. P. reminded me not to get too down on things because it all looks bleak right now - stuck in the drafty house with furniture that is mocking me, the ice floe in the basement, and L. freaking out on a daily basis because her socks "just feel weely weird." Aah.

Closing in on the end of my third decade has been wearing me thin lately. I'm ok with letting go of the person I was twenty years ago, because there were aspects of myself back then that I am happy to say I have improved upon. I guess it is more mystifying to me how to define what it is that I want to be in my next twenty years. What if I can't figure it out?

Baby bird leaves nest

He left today. First, about 9 am, we hear the tones of Super Mario Brothers signalling his final wakeup in this house. We do a quick load up of the minivan, which fills up fast. The big stuff we'll deal with later when the pickup arrives. A few boxes into the Honda, as well as the two plants he takes with him. He is concerned about the stress that the plumosa and the bromeliad may undergo during the move to Shippensburg. I say, don't worry about it, the plants will be fine.

We went to Tosh's new house and unloaded, flashing through my own first move from my parent's home. On my go-round, a four-year-old Tosh and a twenty-one-year old me said good-bye to my parents immediately following my grandfather's funeral. While the funeral was sad, even sadder was my mother's quiet and desperate pleading - just a few more minutes Gil, please...

On that day, my excitement for beginning my new life with Tosh, on our own, completely overwhelmed any ability I may have had to empathize with my mother's sense of loss, of impending lack. In my joy, her sadness did not even touch me. Today, as Tosh leaves our home and truly begins his own adventure, I am fairly certain that my sadness and loss are safe with me. But then that is where they should be. He goes with my best wishes and all my love, my not-so-little anymore Toshie.

I went away and then returned

We took a quick trip to Philadelphia this weekend to visit my brother Adam’s shop, which was part of POST. It’s always a pleasure to visit and soak up the energy and enthusiasm of the city. I am enthralled by those who have centered themselves around a creative life.

On the turnpike home, I found myself not sure that I wanted to return, as if I could reorient my life, real quick, to living in an urban environment…I could live in a loft space, cook on one burner, get used to having enough floor space to take up unicycling, right? My compact life in the county seemed pale and somehow shrunken, as in, what’s the point? What am I really doing here anyway?

We were back home by early afternoon Sunday after picking up the kid and settled in to enjoy what was left of a sunny fall afternoon. She was happy to see us and struggled to put her overnight trip to Grammy’s into words. She finally ended up with, “When I was at Grammy’s, I felt kind of bad, like I was homeless.” After another thoughtful pause, she added, “but only at nighttime.” This crushed me. As if there had been any doubt in my mind what I was returning to. I remembered that we go away, and then we return to the people and place that makes up our home. Hopefully we bring some new ideas or inspiration with us. Whether we do or not, I’m reminded to be grateful for my compact life, no matter how pale it seems next to the shiny city. It’s full of the right things.